Do you ever find your self planning out your own death? Like you can go about dying with hurting anyone...you can't! No matter what someone is going to be hurt and sometimes it can even alter someones life.
The following enrtys that you read will be sometime very real in the since that they are the very things that go through my mind and some are even what is really going on in my like right now and in the past.
Tonight it's Jan 1, 2011 and it's 12:39am
I just spend the past 30 mins arguing with Larry about being a lone at midnight and why that made me upset. For those of you that don't know Larry is my husband and he was in a car accident in Feb of 2010 and ended up with a TBI. This has not been easy in any way for me or for him as well. The best way I can explain living with Larrys TBI is living with a man that has the intelligence of a 56 year old man but with sometimes the temper, common sence, attitude and much more of a toddler. A lot of things that he does doesn't make any sence what so ever. Things that used to bother him now do..he is a completely different person but at the same time he is still himself. I know that doesn't make much sence but trust me it actually does.
Larry and I have not slept in the same room in about 2 to 3 months now. Last night I tried but did NOT sleep at all due to his snoring and tossing and turning. Other nights it due to him hitting the walls or him hitting himself because his head hurt. Yeah I know why would you hit yourself in the head if it hurt right...well his train of thinking was that it was making it better...see I told you things don't make sence but to him for some reason he thought that was the best solution.
There have been nights where he has hit me due to being in a dream and waking up but thinking that he was still dreaming and there have been times where he has kicking me out of the bed completely and I men one min I am there and the next sec I am sitting or laying in the floor. The bad part now is that he doesn't recall any of this. Larry has short term memory loss.
This is hard! I often wonder when we try to make memories ... Is he going to remember them? There have been lots of things that have happened that he doesn't remember of the past, I know it's got to be hard and hurtful for him as much as it does me but for some reason I think it's hurting me more because I can understand it better than he can right now.
Will Larry ever get better...he has come so far thus far. I have read so many websites and rorts and talked to so many doctors that have told me that with brain injury patience of Karrys degree the tell tell time is going to be around the one year mark as to about how things will be on the long term basis. Well that's only 2 months away from now...I miss my husband.
I follow that by saying this...I love Larry now...more than before, I just miss having that place where I can go to a know that "I" could be safe and taken care of. We used to have this thing between us that when I was stressed out or upset that I could simply curl up in his arms and I knew that as long as I was there that nothing could touch me. It was my own personal haven. Now that is gone...the embrace is there but that feeling isn't there... I miss my haven.
The children are at my parents house for the night and Larry is asleep in his room, I sit here listening to the clicking of the keys, the fireworks going off randomly and sirens from the police cars going down the road while sitting on the couch. I have one walking dust bunny curled up to the left of me and another walking Teddy bear sometimes curled at my feet. So from here I am going to say good night/ or morning and lay on my now bed/couch and stair into the dark while waiting on the meeds I took to help me sleep kick in. I feel emotional but numb, I want to cry but then again what's the point...I am the only person that will see or hear them, besides God of course but y'all know what I mean...
Till then...( h.... New year 2011)
